IF I COULD........

You must have given your Brain a run for money for the things that were often beyond your fiefdom. Some were worth it, some were not and some were actually hanging in the garden for someone to pluck them as if those were fruits waiting to give someone pleasure of honey. Indeed it may be honey, but what If the treasurer does not have the resources to feel the sweetness. It may sound absurd but sometimes it happens. I know it better because I felt it, I am feeling it and I will be feeling it for years to come. I pestered myself for chronic pain.

Since the age of 12, I realised there was a peculiarity in me that nobody else has. I enjoyed it, others played. Suddenly it was a trademark against my name to the extent even teachers in my school sometimes called me with my Pseudo Name. No doubt I was the best stammer that one could ever meet and in fact sometimes my failure to answer briskly resulted in christening me as Dumb by few. But I never had any ill feelings against them because I was mentally strong to sustain brutal remarks. I thought I was special. My Mom also thought this till she was alive. I loved her so much and still I do. I believe she is in the heavens still waiting to see her son speaking like a river stream.

Everything was going perfect for me, I believe, since I had accustomed myself to the demands of the situation till then, but then I tried to pluck a fruit hanging in the air without realizing I am Born with ill tooth to chew it. I fell in Love with a girl I was admiring for years. I never went ahead to tell her that, “Hey, Sakshi I am in love with you, I am seeing you for this much time and much more “. I was cautioned by the way I speak. I was set aback for I felt I was not made to love. I was ashamed to bring my weakness ahead. I was in the lurch for years. She was not even my friend until her friend showed her that I was the Famous stammer King of the school. I was unusually not ruthless to me that day. I didn’t curse my tongue anymore for it brought her closer to me. At least I was now an acquaintance to her.

I remember what my Mom always said to me, “there are limits and an end to everything in this world”. Then, I thought this is enough. That’s the limit for me. But my heart was separate to my brain. I tried to disparage it but feelings grew stronger and stronger. I relaxed the situation a little. I thought little more closeness is not such a bad idea in a friendship. She sympathised me for what I was. Slowly and gradually, we were friends 50 % in Love, for I was totally in love with her.

Then, what I did was something I had never done for anyone. I walked on the same corridor 5 times in 10 minutes, I played football with enthusiasm whenever she was on the ground, I joined the same coaching centre and perhaps everything that I could have done. For her, I was just one out of many acquaintances she had known. But for me, she was one and the only woman I loved after My Mother boarded one way flight to Heavens. But it was of no use until I said something. I had a fear like all the boys in real love have when they are proposing to their girls. But for me, it was different, the case of ‘whether I would be able to complete the case before she moves’ rather than what would be her reply. I kept pondering over the facts… contemplating reality…. Drawing lines of my limit….but all finished soon.

Everything was over in a minute.

If I could stop my heart before it started beating for her, I would not have been so alone than I am now.
If I could stop my romantic heart…….
If I could have said something out of my beating buddy, she may have been alive.
If I could say so….she may have been with me and she may not have died.
If I could stop her from crossing the road when I knew she would die, she may have been alive. I was just on the word Ssss…… When that truck rolled over her.
If only….. I couldn’t stammer.
But I couldn’t do any of them. The ashes remain in my heart of that fire and I am still burning, living with a heavy heart, living with the reality that she is no more. But I realized one thing that day, People like me are not born to love, they are just accidentally born in this world to fear people with zero defects that life could also be such miserable.
My mother was right, “there are limits and an end to everything in this world.” I crossed my limits and everything ended.
But still I ruin this truth. Everything would have been right……but If I could say so….

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